Real Life Is Not A Movie

A friend of mine recently reminded me that real-life does not resemble a movie. We'd just seen a romantic comedy and I should confess, I have a huge thing for rom-coms. I adore Sandra Bullock's shiny hair, Hugh Grant's dithering charm and even though I've seen Notting Hill a thousand times and can mouth the lines with Julia Roberts, I still cry before the final credits are up. Every. Single. Time.

But if life is not a romantic comedy, then it's certainly not a porno either. And yet, more and more, my girlfriends are telling me that their bedroom lives are vaguely resembling a category of Pornhub.

"It's like I don't even need to be there," one friend revealed about her last few encounters with the opposite sex. "He was attacking me like I was going out of fashion, and I could have been passed out or even dead for all he knew. Or cared."

"Better than my experience," chipped in another friend. "He kept wanting me to moan and talk dirty. And when I didn't, he started doing the talking. He kept asking, 'Do you like this baby? Do you?"

Ummm, what? You should be able to tell from her face whether she likes it or not. And if you can't, then you're doing it wrong. Very, very wrong. But as I investigated this further, I kept hearing the same thing: men seem to think that all women are porn stars.

So gentlemen, let me clear up some myths about women in the bedroom:

1. If you're asking me if I like it, I assure you, the answer is No. If I liked it, you'd know.
Hell, if I really liked it, your flatmates/neighbours/mama would know too.

2. I am not a piece of meat. The only women that want you to "Fuck me harder baby, oooh, yes" are the ones getting paid for it. They're called 'actors' for a reason.

3. No woman likes you to finish on her face. It tastes foul and is really hard to get out of your hair. (Plus, adding water only seems to increase its power.) Again, only women who are paid for it pretend to like it.

4. You know how when you were a kid and your mom fed you, except she put the spoon in before you're ready? (See where this is going?)
Most women actually don't mind you directing her head downwards. It's nice to be wanted. We also don't mind you changing the rhythm of our head--again, direction isn't so bad. What we bauk at isn't speed, it's depth. Forcing it down her throat is like bulimia: it's only going to result in vomit where you don't want it. (And before you go ewwww, look at No. 3 and tell me it's not worse.)

5. Lapping. I know porn kings do this all the time, and the girls moan like they're lovin' it, but honestly, it's not a water bowl, and this isn't what doing it doggy-style means. Use your tongue like you mean it for God's sake.

6. Changing positions a thousand times. Look, I get it, you're very athletic. But that's not why I'm with you. That's why I'm with Bikram yoga, but that's not why I'm with you. Besides, it shows a lack of commitment to keep changing, don't you think?

Anyone else experiencing this? Do your bedroom antics resemble a porn film?