Man Drought

Summer in Sydney usually signals Drought Season. But while farmers in the country worry about plunging dam levels, us city dwellers have our own limited fishing waters causing concern. Yes, I’m talking about The Man Drought. And it has reached critical proportions.

A friend of mine recently joined an online dating site in order to find a man. Before you jump to conclusions about her resemblance to Susan Boyle, she’s often mistaken for Sienna Miller, and to add to her blonde highlights, perky breasts and endless legs, she’s also bright, down-to-earth and laughs at my jokes. Which makes her an all-round catch.

Surprisingly, she’s not alone. Thousands of women across the country are going online in a desperate search to meet a man, and everywhere I turn, I hear stories of fabulous girls unable to meet a decent guy simply because there aren't enough to go around. And anyone who's been on RSVP, Oasis or any other online dating site can assure you that the calibre of the women is a lot higher than that of the guys. But this goes beyond just hot women unable to get laid. The socio-economic consequences of a Man Drought can be as devastating as The Black Plague or the GFC.

Aside from the basic population growth issues it presents, a Man Drought also goes against the natural order of things. Men are supposed to be hunters, and yet, women, driven to desperation by famine, are forced to go hunting, competing against each other and fighting for what are essentially dregs (see “down-dating”). The urban jungle has become a dangerous place, populated by cougars and their younger, more nimble counterpart, the puma.

Because men aren't being pushed to hunt for the best mate, they become complacent and lazy, which means they aren't honing their skills and evolving. Natural selection no longer occurs because of the shortage, so 'ugly' and 'ginger' keep perpetuating as a gene. You want to find the real cause of rising childhood obesity in Australia? I suggest you look to the Man Drought. Even Fatties are gettin' some in this climate.

The flip side is that attractive, intelligent men aren't that compelled to settle down, choosing instead to play the field rather than sow their oats. The Man Drought has led to a Commitment Crisis as these guys know that supply is always going exceed demand. In Russia, the situation is so severe (war and famine have left a population that is majority female) that women tolerate alcoholism, domestic violence and even polygamy to snare a man. No wonder there are so many mail order brides...these women are desperate.

And Eau de Sperate is not a pleasant odour. I smell it on the bleached, fake-tanned 20-and-30-somethings every Friday at Ivy, and it overpowers the smell of sleaze, making it harder for a girl to pick out the jerks from the good guys. Because the most dangerous animal stalking the urban jungle is not any of the big cats, but the love rats.

For those of you that deny the Man-Drought, think of the single guys you know. Any of them date-able? I don't mean just nice blokes, but good-looking, nice blokes without a beer belly, personal hygiene problems or annoying twitches. Now think of the single girls...I bet everyone knows at least one super-hot, nice, inexplicably single girl.

If I do happen to meet a seemingly cool, single guy in Sydney, I have to question whether it's a mirage, a figment of my drought-addled brain. I know there is a Man Drought, so chances are, about 100 thirsty women rejected him prior to us meeting. I've come to the conclusion that if he's single, he's single for a reason--something so massive that many good women decided he was simply Undateable, his fatal flaw too large (or small) to be overlooked.

I'd like to know exactly where the Weather Girls were when they sang, "Hallelujah! It's raining men," because right now, we're a long way from a mansoon (as in, we'd like a man, soon please.) In the meantime, ladies, don't lower your standards. We can ride out this little side-effect of global warming. But if you can't, as one man said to me last Friday, "Hey baby, no-one's ugly after 2AM."

The only thing that left me thirsty for was more vodka. And as I later found out, no-one's ugly after 20 vodka martinis either.