A friend of mine was recently told that she needed to “put herself Out There.”
“What does that even mean?” she fumed at me. “Put myself 'Out There'?! Where IS that even?”
I don’t know, but wherever it is, I am sure that ‘Out There’ is a very crowded place. It seems like there are a lot of people Out There. And like my friend, they are doing all the things that one is supposed to do when one is single—go to parties, take a class, find a hobby, meet new people, say 'yes' to invitations and ‘Be Open.’
‘Being Open’ is a big one, the apparent entrée to this mysterious Wonderland, populated by fabulous singles just waiting like herded sheep for others who have found their way. So the good news is that wherever Out There is, it’s definitely ‘Open.’
The truth is, I’ve no desire to be Out There. I can barely find the energy to make it to yoga, and I at least know where that is and what I’m going to find there (a hot room, lots of sweat, a gay man telling me what to do flat on my back.)
As for what one has to do to be Out There...well, I don’t plan to join an evening class—after my 60 hour work week I don’t have the time. I already have hobbies, I volunteer and I don’t want to pash a random to see where it leads. I don’t want to waste an evening having dinner with someone I’m blasé about in case it ‘goes Somewhere’ (which I’m guessing is a place similar to, but not the same as, Out There.) In my head, Out There somewhat resembles The Ivy, which somewhat resembles my version of Hell, each successive VIP area being another circle of Dante's Inferno. Oh, but at least The Ivy has vodka cocktails.
So yeah, I’m not ‘Out There.’ I’m Right Here. And Right Here is a pretty cool place. It’s filled with people I love, and activities I actually enjoy doing, like Saturday night dinners around my dining room table with people I’ve known for a decade. I can hang out in pjs Right Here. I can tell bad jokes Right Here. Sure, the weather’s not ideal (there’s a Man Drought in Right Here) but still, I like it here. And anyone that wants to date me has got to like Right Here too, just as much as I’m going to have to like Right There, which is where, I’m guessing, he is.
Either way, if he’s Out There, I fear our paths are never going to cross because, well, I’m not at a TAFE course learning Swahili as my hobby, I’m not at a bar pretending my sky-high stilettoes aren’t cutting into my feet, and for those guys who just want a fling, I’m not Open and I don’t take Amex.
So to all the Singletons out there, the next time someone gives you the useless, unsolicited advice to “put yourself Out There” I suggest you tell them exactly Where To Go. And if you can do it in Swahili, even better.
why do all your stories/tales start with - ' a friend of mine bla bla bla
ReplyDelete'a friend of mine' - interesting post - in fact always interesting - keep it up
ReplyDelete"... I’m not ‘Out There.’ I’m Right Here. And Right Here is a pretty cool place. It’s filled with people I love..." NOT FILLED WITH BOYFRIENDS THOUGH IS IT.
ReplyDeleteThis is your best post yet... By "best" I do of course mean "brain-numbingly hideous"
I wait in anticipation of your next collection of garbage!!
Lots of love,
Heaps of people.
You sound like such a sad and bitter person. You need a hobbie other than reading content which is not suited to you and then giving your negative opinion which no one cares for anyway.
DeleteI wish this was like Facebook and I could simply just say "like" x
ReplyDeleteTHAT is your best one yet! (Along with "Down Dating"...)
ReplyDeleteI love it! You could not have put it any better... Putting myself "Out There" is all I seem to hear at the moment, and you have just described and finally justified that there is nothing wrong with just being Right Here.
Good work my friend, that post has made my day!
xx
OMG you are SO sex and the city OMG I love it!
ReplyDeleteWhy Urban detective, you read my mind. I am newly single and every time people ask me if I'm seeing someone new, and I say no, they feel the need to tell me to 'put myself out there'. Um, excuse me, but maybe, just maybe, I don't actually need/want someone right now? Maybe where I'm at really rocks. I bet people don't say this to men when they declare themselves single and NOT looking. Why do people assume women are always looking for someone? We aren't "out there" because we don't want to be! And if there is such a place as "out there" anyway, it would be a state of mind you would enter when you're ready, and certainly not one completely otherwise occupied by getting over someone else, or travel, finances, study/career or even just blissful independence! I prefer my state of mind any day.
ReplyDeleteOh and by the way, anonymous, the blogs always start with 'a friend of mine' because the author is both a good AND thoughtful listener to her myriad of friends. I think it illustrates the intelligent and creative way in which she perceives the people and the world around her. Good work, urban detective!
ReplyDeleteAnd if the Urban Detective didn't begin her blogs with 'a friend of mine'... no doubt some Anon would go on and say she was a, wait for it, Slut.
ReplyDeleteBut she ain't... she's just a great listener with a lot of girl friends who are living through some pretty common girl issues... and she articulates them better than her friends could ever imagine.
Nice work!
I put myself out there all the time. What's 'right here' like? Does it have a postcode?
ReplyDelete@Anon: It's because these posts are inspired by actual conversations with friends :-)
ReplyDelete@Court: Lovin' your blog too
@emmascherini: Thanks lovely. Just hang on to that Down-Dating sentiment in the coming months!
@Jac: AHAHAHA! You crack me up!
@Halya: Thanks sweetpea.
@Mark Pollard: You've always been an explorer in a brave new world. Right Here is awesome, but it's way too small to have a postcode. What it does have is lotsa red wine and ice-cream. You can stop by, but you'll have to check your t-shirt at the door.
"In my head, Out There somewhat resembles The Ivy, which somewhat resembles my version of Hell, each successive VIP area being another circle of Dante's Inferno."
ReplyDeletehear! hear!
Urban Detective - I think it's great that you've put up a 'Code of Comment' on your blog; several other great bloggers do the same - and it's a stake in the ground for your values (and hopefully the values of your readers).
ReplyDeleteHowever, if it applies to your commentors then it should apply to you.
"If you are rude, offensive, abusive or unkind, your comment will be deleted".......
I hardly think that your comments on the size of men's penises ("she could suck a lollypop and recite Obamas speech while giving him a blowjob), on other male 'shortcomings' or generalisations ..... are fundamentally unkind to the person/people you are referring to. and they are offensive from other people who share their problem.
A lot of the criticism on this blog is directly related to people being offended by what you are saying. They may not be expressing it as well as you can - but that's where a lot of it is coming from.
I hope you follow your own lead.
Anon: You're right. Absolutely.
ReplyDeleteI guess the difference is that this blog isn't directed at one particular person. It isn't designed to be hurtful or harmful to an individual, but rather an amusing and light-hearted look at the complicated world of dating.
Suggesting that I deserve violence or rape because of my views is taking it a step too far though, isn't it?
If I offend people, they are more than welcome to say so--as you have done. But being rude to my friends, or just being disgusting human beings isn't on.
And if I've offended you, that certainly wasn't the intention. :-)
I find it interesting how quickly the men who read this blog label you with "offensive". Sure they're right but women are so used to the constant barrage of criticism that we barely blink when "our butts are too big" or "boobs aren't big enough". Maybe they're finally getting a taste of the judgmental way women have always been viewed based on their physical appearance (or shortcomings).
ReplyDeleteWe could take the higher ground, but that wouldn't be nearly as fun ;)
@urbandetective said:
ReplyDelete"I guess the difference is that this blog isn't directed at one particular person."
Oh good, so rather than talking about one single person but not naming them, you are just making sweeping (and ridiculous) generalisations.
@Halya said:
"And if the Urban Detective didn't begin her blogs with 'a friend of mine'... no doubt some Anon would go on and say she was a, wait for it, Slut. "
Well done Halya, you have managed to inadvertently call all of our beloved authors friends 'Sluts'.
Our author isn't a slut! Obviously she is having significant trouble fulfilling the core prerequisite of that title.
Excellent reading as always, ladies!
Hey! This is kind of off topic but I need some guidance from an established
ReplyDeleteblog. Is it tough to set up your own blog? I'm not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I'm thinking about setting up my own but I'm not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? Thanks
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