"Faux-gasm"

Every girl has faked it. Every. Single. One. Boys are always so outraged when I say this--I’m usually greeted with a host of rebuttals from “It’s never happened to me” (yep, and you were the biggest she’s ever been with right?) to “I can always tell when it’s fake” (as long as you’re talking about her hair extensions, I believe you).

There’s this old joke that always makes me laugh:
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? Because even then, men wouldn’t stop and ask for directions.

It’s true though, men have a real terror of appearing like they don’t know what they’re doing or where they’re going. And I don’t just mean on the road. Navigating the female form is a complicated process, and more importantly, a delicate one. It requires a certain degree of knowledge and know-how to successfully bring a woman to the end of the journey and yet, most guys seem to think that it’s merely a matter of turning up and sticking their key in the ignition.

A girlfriend of mine dated a doctor once who is the worst offender to date. They went away for the weekend and it got so bad, she took to faking her orgasms just to end the torture. At one point, just to check whether he was even paying any attention, she faked it as he was humping her hip bone. As I later commented, “Dude, if he couldn’t find your clitoris and his face was right up in it, I doubt he’s a very good surgeon.” Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last past the weekend.

The last date-pash I had, the guy went in with his tongue practically hanging out of his mouth. I, being normal, kept my mouth firmly closed. His tongue ended up ramming into my lips, and when I opened my mouth to go “WTF?!” it ended up falling in, where it then proceeded to flop around like a dying fish before I pulled away and put us all out of our misery.

The problem was, I took one look at his face and realized the misery wasn't mutual. He had that proud, self-satisfied look on his face and I just couldn't, couldn't tell him that my moans were a desperate plea for air rather than a product of my desire for him.

Yes, hundreds of girls are experiencing the 'faux-gasm', faking their orgasms in order to avoid an awkward conversation. And the older we get, the more unbelievable it seems that guys don't know they're playing in the wrong postcode. For a woman, it's a no-win situation: point out that he's licking your inner thigh rather than anything relevant, and he's going to get offended, but tell him you faked it and boys tend to flip out.

So guys, the next time you get offended that a girl has faked it, I suggest you remember two things:

1. She took one for the team. It's not like she got anything out of faking it (except a brief moment of respite) and

2. Don't wait 40 years to ask for directions. Women may not be able to read a map, but we do know when it's time to tell him to get lost.