The Man Diet

A friend of mine recently announced that, as New Years are all about New Resolutions, her 2010 was no different. She had resolved, like many others, to kick old habits, begin a new diet, and lose dead weight. She planned to achieve all of the above with one simple solution: A Man Diet.

Buddhist philosophy teaches that the human body requires one day off every week to purify itself. Devout Buddhists fast in order to give their digestive systems a break and recover from the constant overuse. Hindus often fast on religious holidays, suggesting that our preoccupation with food—the sourcing of it, the preparation and consumption of it—occupies so much of our time that by removing food entirely as an issue, our minds are free focus on higher thoughts.

In the same way, the Dating Detox is intended to give her body and mind a break by removing a need and replacing it with higher thoughts. And the results are immediate. By not putting herself through the torture of wondering if he likes her, if he’ll call her, if he’ll return her text, she can step back and stop treating every man like a potential shag and pay attention to what he’s actually saying. Sadly most of the men she knows have fallen in her estimation because of these new standards, but hey, you win some, you lose some.

And there is no longer the pressure of going out on the weekend and feeling like she needs to compete with 18 year olds whose bodies don’t feel the cold and whose tits don’t feel gravity (although, as I watch them teetering in their tiny dresses in the middle of winter, their tic-tac nipples suggest they DO in fact, feel the cold). Instead, she can dress weather-and-mood appropriate, secure in the knowledge that she’s judged on the content of her character rather than the context of her crotch. She no longer has to be vigilant about waxing or contraception. She can wear comfy panties 24/7, instead of pretending that having a g-string riding up her ass makes her feel sexy. She’s unaffected by the Man Drought.

There's just one downside. Turns out, you deny your body of one thing, and it craves something else. As she herself admitted, “I’m glad I’m on a Man Fast, because if I wasn’t, I’m not sure I’d get lucky. Because now, I’m fat. Happy, but fat.” And when I think about myself, thin but exhausted by maintaining de-forestation in Brazil and denying myself that last slice of chocolate cake, I wonder if the pursuit of happiness is in fact, making me unhappy.

So, I guess if the trade-off is getting fat or getting laid, I know which one I’m choosing. Hello Double-Choc Cookie Dough Ice-Cream. Mama’s home and wondering if you want to come to bed with me, bad boy.