Dating isn't that different from parenting

A friend of mine recently pointed me Jezebel, where a dad called Drew Margary attended a Parent Encouragement Program (AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous) and wrote about it. The article offers several 'rules' for parenting, and it got me thinking that maybe being a Good Parent is not so different from dating a guy. In fact, these tips work for a man as much as for a child.

• Never repeat yourself

Kids just ignore you if you do this a lot. You're supposed to take them by the hand and guide them to the task.


As you get older, repeating yourself over and over gets you labelled a nag. As for taking him by the hand and guiding him to the task...I'm used to that one. God knows I have to do it in bed often enough.

• No drive-by parenting

Apparently you have to ask them to do stuff face-to-face, not yell from the bottom of the stairs. Or in my case, leave notes inside Call of Duty asking for the garbage to be taken out.


So these days, I wait until he's started playing, and then I stand in front of the TV and say, "I see you have some free time. The garbage needs to be taken out."

• Talk to your kids as if they're normal human beings

This means no baby talk. You have to treat them like mature adults. (I almost typed that with a straight face.)

It's no secret that guys and gals communicate differently. Guys use talking to make a point. Girls using talking as a means of intimacy. So, in a guy's world, talking like a normal human being involves a series of grunts and a Guitar Hero showdown.

In my world, it involves me repeating myself twice, then going batshit crazy and ensuring that Guitar Hero is never, ever again used to ignore me.

(I'll try to work on that, babe.)

• Accept that your children are going to do annoying shit

Self explanatory. But sometimes, when I'm not in an accepting mood, I like to accidentally spill red wine on the sheets, announce that I too 'missed and hit the sheets babe' and that it too 'will dry, just sleep around it.'


Works a charm to get the sheets changed.

• Never do for a kid what a kid can do for him or herself

They fall into bad habits and don't learn to do things for themselves. So I guess ironing shirts, making beds and giving hand jobs are all out these days.

• Never chase a kid

Kids think it's a game when you chase them. Turns out guys do too. 

• Never ask "OK?" at the end of a request

Rather than saying, 'Take the garbage out, OK?', which just makes you sound like a snarky bitch, try 'Take the fucking garbage out, it's been three weeks, and the cat climbed in and DIED there.' It makes you sound more authoritative when you make it a statement rather than a question.

• Never get locked into a power struggle

Don't give ultimatums like 'Eat your dinner or you're grounded' or 'Take the rubbish out or Annual Blow Job Day is cancelled.' Because then you're both in a Mexican standoff that no-one can back down from or else one of you is a pussy.

I prefer the tradeoff to the standoff. So things like, 'Oh honey, sorry I couldn't make you dinner, but the smell of dead cat in the kitchen was gagging me,' is much better than 'Take out the garbage or I won't make dinner.' Another effective one is, 'My mouth is so tired from repeatedly asking you to take out the garbage I just don't think it can manage a blow job.'

• The only person you really have any control over is yourself

Oh yes, very Buddha. It guess this means you can't really change anyone. Margary, when talking about the kids, says 'it's best to praise them when they do what you want, instead of berating them for the times when they fail to act.'

I'm familiar with this one. If he takes out the garbage, you're supposed to say, 'Honey, thanks sooo much for taking out the garbage, you're amazing,' instead of 'It's the least you could do, you lazy shit, after I cooked dinner AND cleaned up and P.S. are you going to clean the maggot nest that formed after the cat died in there?'

So I'm going to implement these changes and see how it goes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to open some wine. The sheets need changing and I did it last time.