The Dating Triangle

A friend of mine recently announced that there were no decent women in Sydney.

"What are you talking about?" I scoffed. "There's a Man Drought."

"It's not a shortage of women," he clarified, "it's a shortage of decent women."

And what is a decent woman I hear you ask? Turns out there's an equilateral triangle for that.

I've written before about the Fatal Flaw--that thing the perfect guy has or does that's a deal-breaker-- but this puts it into pictorial perspective.

"I've come to the realisation that you can't have it all in a relationship," she a girlfriend who recently started dating her swimming instructor. "Why do we expect one person to give us everything? My guy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's nice and he's really hot." I guess that's why we call him Hot Pool Guy.

She might be on to something.

Matt over at The Modern Savage actually ran a survey to see what people thought, and the findings are possibly unsurprising:

Men would overwhelmingly sacrifice intelligence in a woman, while women are happy to settle for intelligence and emotional stability, and give up the good looks.

So ugly guys and dumb girls are in with a chance, but if you're batshit crazy, then you're going to die alone.

Having thought about this from every conceivable 45 degree angle, it's hard for me to choose which quality I'd give up. But I think, if I absolutely had to, I would sacrifice the intelligence. It's no good if he can read me Dostoyevsky if I never, ever want to him naked.  If it's an intellectual challenge or witty repartee I'm in need of, I have work and friends. No, when it comes to stimulation in relationships, it's not the mental kind I'm looking for first.

How about you? What would you give up?

How to tell if he's a keeper

A friend of mine recently watched the movie 28 Days Later with her boyfriend, and they ended up having the following conversation:
(for those unfamiliar with the movie, it's about surviving a zombie apocalypse)

Him: Man, why is he going back? He should be running as far away in the opposite direction as he can.
Her: He's going back for the girl. She's still there, maybe getting turned in to a zombie!
Him: She's probably already a zombie by now.
Her: Yeah, but he has to be sure. Are you saying that if I was possibly a zombie, you wouldn't come and at least TRY and rescue me?
Him: (joking) Babe, if you turned into a zombie I'd have to kill you! It's the only way...
Her: (very much NOT joking) I always knew you were a selfish jerk, but now I have proof!
Him: Proof? It's a zombie apocalypse! And besides, where are you? If you aren't a zombie then why aren't you trying to find me?
Her: This is the last time I ever do anything nice for you, because it's clear that you don't even love me that much.

I've had similar arguments. I had one boyfriend tell me, "I love you, but I'm not going to avenge your death if that's what you're asking." Well, I wasn't asking that, but now that we're on the topic, why wouldn't you? If I was murdered, I'd want my lover to devote his life to bringing my killer to justice. Sound demanding? Well, I'm prepared to put the same offer on the table.

The thing is, I don't want a mate who's only in it for himself. I want to know that he's going to be there when it gets tough, or scary. I want to know that when I turn into a zombie (usually when I'm stressed and haven't had any sugar that day), he's not going to run away. I want to know that he would do anything to secure my happiness, and sometimes, that means doing stuff that's difficult, or scary or just plain inconvenient.

Another friend of mine recently had a baby, and she said that once you have a kid, things can get real ugly, real fast. You need to make sure you're with someone who is there for you in a crisis.

In the absence of a baby, if you're trying to figure out if the guy you're dating is a keeper or not, maybe you just need to ask yourself, 'What would he do in a zombie apocalypse?' And if the answer is 'Run away', they maybe that's exactly what you need to be doing, right now.

There will always be another one

Friday thought

Sex with the ex

A friend of mine recently came out of a long term relationship.

"It's over, it's definitely over," she lamented, knocking back gin like a sailor on shore leave.

"Good for you!" I cheered. "A clean break is exactly what you need!"

"Errr....yes," she agreed tentatively. "I guess so. Except..."

Except.

Despite the fact that their relationship was surely, definitely Over, they were still sleeping together.

As it turns out, this girlfriend is not alone. An extremely unscientific poll of the women I know concluded that almost all of them, at some stage, had sex with an ex.

"Every relationship has a mourning period," explained one friend. "And as you go through the stages from grief to acceptance, sex helps you get closure."

And then there's the thrill. One girlfriend gushed, "It was the best sex I've ever had. Even better than when we were together. It's sort of illicit and exciting, so it's like a passionate one-night stand with someone who knows what turns you on."

Yet when I asked all of them how sex with the ex turned out, the universal answer was 'Badly.'

It's easy to get closure if there's a clear reason for the break-up. Like if he's abusive. Or there's someone else. But sometimes, the end is a long time coming and the cumulative effect of many small things. There is no one reason why it ends, no single reason to walk away except a belief that it isn't going to work.

And regardless of how it ends, rarely do we simply, abruptly stop loving someone. So as we wean ourselves off love, we also have to wean ourselves off our lovers.

"It's just hard to go cold turkey," was how one girl put it.

When women orgasm, their bodies release a hormone called oxytocin (also known as the 'cuddle chemical') that makes them believe that that man they just shagged is their perfect mate. Naturally, the more sex, the more oxytocin, the more deluded you become.

Men also release it, but in far, far smaller doses. Which is why they are able to separate the sex from the relationship you once shared.

So ladies, the lesson here is that if it's closure you want, it's definitely best to start with your legs.

Dating isn't that different from parenting

A friend of mine recently pointed me Jezebel, where a dad called Drew Margary attended a Parent Encouragement Program (AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous) and wrote about it. The article offers several 'rules' for parenting, and it got me thinking that maybe being a Good Parent is not so different from dating a guy. In fact, these tips work for a man as much as for a child.

• Never repeat yourself

Kids just ignore you if you do this a lot. You're supposed to take them by the hand and guide them to the task.


As you get older, repeating yourself over and over gets you labelled a nag. As for taking him by the hand and guiding him to the task...I'm used to that one. God knows I have to do it in bed often enough.

• No drive-by parenting

Apparently you have to ask them to do stuff face-to-face, not yell from the bottom of the stairs. Or in my case, leave notes inside Call of Duty asking for the garbage to be taken out.


So these days, I wait until he's started playing, and then I stand in front of the TV and say, "I see you have some free time. The garbage needs to be taken out."

• Talk to your kids as if they're normal human beings

This means no baby talk. You have to treat them like mature adults. (I almost typed that with a straight face.)

It's no secret that guys and gals communicate differently. Guys use talking to make a point. Girls using talking as a means of intimacy. So, in a guy's world, talking like a normal human being involves a series of grunts and a Guitar Hero showdown.

In my world, it involves me repeating myself twice, then going batshit crazy and ensuring that Guitar Hero is never, ever again used to ignore me.

(I'll try to work on that, babe.)

• Accept that your children are going to do annoying shit

Self explanatory. But sometimes, when I'm not in an accepting mood, I like to accidentally spill red wine on the sheets, announce that I too 'missed and hit the sheets babe' and that it too 'will dry, just sleep around it.'


Works a charm to get the sheets changed.

• Never do for a kid what a kid can do for him or herself

They fall into bad habits and don't learn to do things for themselves. So I guess ironing shirts, making beds and giving hand jobs are all out these days.

• Never chase a kid

Kids think it's a game when you chase them. Turns out guys do too. 

• Never ask "OK?" at the end of a request

Rather than saying, 'Take the garbage out, OK?', which just makes you sound like a snarky bitch, try 'Take the fucking garbage out, it's been three weeks, and the cat climbed in and DIED there.' It makes you sound more authoritative when you make it a statement rather than a question.

• Never get locked into a power struggle

Don't give ultimatums like 'Eat your dinner or you're grounded' or 'Take the rubbish out or Annual Blow Job Day is cancelled.' Because then you're both in a Mexican standoff that no-one can back down from or else one of you is a pussy.

I prefer the tradeoff to the standoff. So things like, 'Oh honey, sorry I couldn't make you dinner, but the smell of dead cat in the kitchen was gagging me,' is much better than 'Take out the garbage or I won't make dinner.' Another effective one is, 'My mouth is so tired from repeatedly asking you to take out the garbage I just don't think it can manage a blow job.'

• The only person you really have any control over is yourself

Oh yes, very Buddha. It guess this means you can't really change anyone. Margary, when talking about the kids, says 'it's best to praise them when they do what you want, instead of berating them for the times when they fail to act.'

I'm familiar with this one. If he takes out the garbage, you're supposed to say, 'Honey, thanks sooo much for taking out the garbage, you're amazing,' instead of 'It's the least you could do, you lazy shit, after I cooked dinner AND cleaned up and P.S. are you going to clean the maggot nest that formed after the cat died in there?'

So I'm going to implement these changes and see how it goes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to open some wine. The sheets need changing and I did it last time.