A friend of ours started dating a guy about 4 months ago. Last week he announced he had herpes. Now, while they’d been taking things slowing physically (they hadn’t progressed past heavy petting), emotionally they were waaaaayyyyyyy past the “I love you” barrier and totally into the “I hope our kids have your eyes and my nose” conversations. Awkwardly, no-one mentioned the “My baby-making facilities are slightly damaged” part of the equation.
Now, while I’m not sure how this conversation would go, in my head, it ran something like this:
Him: Honey, would you love me if I had only one arm?
Her: Of course darling!
Him: What about if I lost an eye?
Her: Sure.
Him: What if I lost my dick?
Her: Umm, yeah....
Him: Well, babe, guess what? I have my arm and my eye and my dick, except, my dick has herpes.
Okay, so this may not be an accurate recount. But the point is, this conversation definitely should have happened sooner. In a sexual relationship, a sexually transmitted disease is the equivalent of a disability. Certainly, it's a hindrance to leading a full and normal relationship life.
And in the same way that you would want to know if you were dating an alcoholic, a smoker or an axe murderer, you would want to know if your partner has an STD. Early. So you can pull out (no pun intended) if you wanted to.
On the other hand, my nurse friend pointed out that herpes is only contagious in a flare-up, when it's actually showing. The rest of the time its fine. So really, you can only not have sex during specific times. Which means that his herpes can be equated to her menstruating.
How about you? How soon is too soon to find out something like this? And would it make you want out?
I think that an STD is a big deal, not only because it affects your partner, but without adequate precautions it could also affect you... forever!
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, one has to wonder if its superficial to write someone off over a STD. If you truly love someone it shouldn't matter- right? Part of me also thinks that waiting until you've exchanged "I Love You" is akin to emotional blackmail. I can understand using this strategy though- how many women (or men for that matter) would bother getting to know someone as a partner knowing they had a (possibly) permanent sexual disease?
I am sure it will help a lot of young people. good job.
ReplyDeletei think the honesty card needs to be pulled out immediately too.
ReplyDeleteBUT this said, Im guessing for this friend's guy, he had been honest and upfront previously withy girls he wanted to have a relationship with, and knocked back so many times because of the STD. Maybe he thought this time he would hook her in with his good looks and personality, and try to make the STD a smaller deal. I'm not saying that right, but I can kind of understand the mentality if he had been rejected previously.
It is the same as a woman who can't have children. To be upfront, or to tell them when you think the relationship is becoming more serious? OI have a friend who can't have children, and it really is the double-edged sword. If she tells them straight away, they don't call. If she tell them when its 'serious' they are angry that she kept it from them, and then they don't call again...
Tricky situations.
I'm just glad I don't have herpes.
Hmmm.... an itchy situation!
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, better to be upfront sooner than later. These kinds of things can be managed very sensibly once all cards are on the table and there are no trust issues to argue about. I say get the formalities out of the way and enjoy the sex stat!