Bad Bed Manners

One of my girlfriends recently walked out on a guy for having “bad bed manners.” What was his crime I hear you ask? Refusing to put a condom on after being asked to do so. Several times. His first excuse was that he didn’t have any. When my girlfriend told him it meant no sex, he suddenly “found” a whole strip in his bedside drawer. (Nobody believes you forgot about a whole strip buddy.) And then, to add further insult to outright lies, he tried to put it in again without using one of the suddenly-remembered condoms.

Turns out bad bed manners has become a bit of an epidemic lately. Everyone’s doin’ it. Or rather, every man’s doing it. So gentlemen, for your convenience, here is a list of Top 5 Bad Bed Behavior that you should, at all costs, avoid:

1. Telling a girl to “Suck it baby, yeah, suck it,” when she’s giving you a blow job
Um, yeah, thanks. It’s not rocket science, I know what to freaking do. I don’t need an instructional blow-by-blow (so to speak.) Besides, what the hell else am I going to do with it in my face?

2. Calling a girl dirty names during sex
Unless you are really comfortable with each other, it’s not acceptable. In the same way you probably don’t want her calling you ‘cuddly poo’ in front of your mates, she probably doesn’t want you calling her a filthy whore, even if she is one. Particularly if she is one.

3. Cumming in her mouth without warning
This is never ok. Ever. Moving her head out of the way should always be an option. Just cause I’m licking the ice block doesn’t mean I want cream all over my face.

4. Trying to slip it in the back without permission
Simple. Think of yourself as a vampire. No entry without an invitation. Or you could die.

5. Commenting on any negative body part in a positive way
There is no smart way to do this. “I love your sexy fat” is bad. “Your little beer belly is so cute” is really wrong. “Your stretch marks really turn me on” is a stupid thing to say. Just like I’ll never say, “You satisfy me even though you’re small,” don’t tell me how much you like my love handles ok? It might be true, but we still don't need to say it.