How to dump somebody before you actually get together

A friend of mine recently wrote this guest post on the Faux Dump. We've all been there, but I'll let her explain:

There's a certain grey area during those early stages of a relationship (before a relationship really becomes a relationship) where things often dwindle and die on one side. Perhaps you're two dates in, you've gotten to know each other better, and now you've realised that your date has all the charm of a used condom. Maybe they made a really bad joke about menstruation while you were out for coffee and you both ended up in Awkward Town. Or maybe there's simply no sexual chemistry. Whatever your beef is, ending things at this point can be difficult. If you'd made up your mind one date earlier, you could have just given them the flick by ignoring them altogether, but now you find yourself too involved to be able to simply break things off by ceasing contact and avoiding the other party. However, you're not quite involved enough to warrant a traditional break-up including an explanation of what went wrong and vague promises of friendship. In this situation, one needs to execute a Faux Dump. This is where you say, quite simply, "I'm just not feeling it."

To claim you're "not feeling it" is by far the most humane, ego-preserving way to end a relationship. It doesn't point the finger, but rather blames the failure of the union on some abstract, uncontrollable issue - a chemical imbalance or point of fate or whatever. Something is simply missing, but it's nobody's fault. (Of course, in reality, it's their fault. It's always their fault. You have probably fantasised about them being hit by a truck because they are so irritating you wish they would die a million times, but it is inappropriate to mention this during the Faux Dump. Overall, your objective is to get it over with as quickly as possible and then forget about the whole thing, not unlike an episode of Two and a Half Men.)

But be warned: despite all its padded corners, the Faux Dump will not often be received calmly. This is because when you claim that you are not feeling an interest in pursuing things, you are implying that the other party did feel an interest. And this is humiliating for those with fragile egos and passive-aggressive conflict resolution skills (aka most people currently alive). For this reason, the other party will still get defensive and feel the need to make bitchy, vindictive comments illustrating the various ways in which they too were "not feeling it." Don't take the bait - the best way to deal with this little outburst is to swallow your pride, smile, and say, "Well I'm glad we're on the same page." And then, get the fuck out.

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If only I'd read this before last weekend, where I accidentally said the words, "It's a pity you chose brains when God was handing out large penises," I'd have handled that break up a lot more gracefully.

You can follow Annik at @neekatron, or read more on her sex life, conversations with her mom, and her amusing friends at http://annikskelton.com/